Maybe people who know you for a long time don't know you at all.
It's like that Gabriel Garcia Marquez quote, "I know my wife so well I don't know her at all."
Those we know, we don't give space to their lives. Maybe it's not we, maybe others do give space, I don't.
Except for a few, those I love and don't fear losing.
Then, watching them change becomes beautiful.
It's those I am not sure about, is that what I mean?
It's a struggle for me to see those closest to me as changing.
I know them, don't I ? Maybe I don't. Maybe I could give them a chance to change, and then maybe I could too.
Saw an old friend, made lots of judgements about who she is and who she thought I was.
I didn't give her a chance to change.
And I didn't feel she gave me a chance.
She told me I was hard on myself. I cried.
Is that what all this is, that I'm hard on myself, unrelenting, always wanting to be better ? Better than what?
She told me I'm not judgemental, she's doesn't know me, I judged...
I am such a work in progress some days I don't know how I have the courage to get up and live another day in this imperfect body and soul.
I want so much to do the right thing. And yet, so many times it goes past me as I fumble through some awful thing I say or do.
I am getting better though. Little by little I'm watching the moment fly by and sometimes I catch it before it completely disappears and I retrieve the thing I want to do and stop the awful thing I was going to do or say.
Also, why do I let people explain simple things to me, without stopping them.
My friend asked me if I knew that an author's work was just a theory, not fact? I nodded that I understood that.
Did she really think I believed it was written in the sky ?
Then my brother tried to explain EZPAss to me.
He said I was defensive, but did he really think by explaining in that sweet, kind voice that people use when they are talking to someone they think has no clue what is going on, how ezpass worked....
Maybe it was a miscommunication ? I don't know.
Ok friends and brother, I understand that a person writes a book and it is their opinion, and I understand how ezpass works....
Now I sorta get what people say about their kids talking to them as if they don't understand things...
That's all just another thought too. I hold on, I'm not a watcher of clouds in the sky. thoughts coming and going.
No, not yet, they stay right in front of me. I stare at them.
But my question is : Why can't I respond in the moment, tell the person how I feel, what I understand and move on, let the clouds roll by....
Sometimes I can't believe someone is actually explaining some simple concept to me. Is it me ?
New friends, they are eager to find out who you are, they don't know what you'll say or do. there is no history, no backstory, it's all front story to them.
I like that.
Maybe I need more new friends.
And then there's no friends, I tend to stay alone at the house, my house.
I tend to spend a lot of time looking at the trees, sweeping the floor, arranging and rearranging things, ideas, feelings.
I do my best to not imagine the house in the future.
I do my best to enjoy it for what it is now, broken shingles,
no front door, chipped and peeling paint.
I do my best to not say to myself, "if only,"
that's a trap I've fallen into too many times.
I do my best to look around at what has gone right, at what I did that worked, although sometimes I wonder if there's anything.
It's peaceful there without the strain of ambition and goals.
My friend has a lot of plans, "I'm not planning these days," she told me and then she started telling me her future plans.
I guess we all do that.
Even when we're not planning there's some event or happening in the future we're looking forward to.
How can you live in the present moment by moment ?
Upstate, it's easier. There's little distraction.
In Manhattan, there's too many worlds, which one to look at, travel to first. It makes my head spin.
Up there, in that little corner of earth, there's a stream,
trees, sun and wind, ambling creatures in the woods.
Ambition comes in short bursts. I'll sweep the floor, make some tea, sit on the chair and watch the water that moves unceasingly.
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